热心人士帮帮忙~-热心人帮帮忙~~~

建议你找专业大师为你看看八字，谨慎而行，不要急。

依个人之见，貌似问题比较多呵，老身慢慢道来啊。可能净是意见了，不过良药苦口利于病啊。我改的文章就依你的原文为主啊，但并不代表你的句子就是最恰当的了。

一，我觉得你的写作有概念性的问题。像托福和sat写作不应该是像列意见似的一条一条列，这不是“文章”，而是意见书，是应用文。我们要写的是文章。那么怎么让文章看起来更像文章呢？
1.原因应当拣重要的写，不要写超过三条。但是对于每一条都要有具体的描述和详尽的分析。就是说，把你的理由从四个减成两个或三个，然后每个都精写。
2.应当花更大的篇幅陈述逻辑分析和实例，而不是写一些陈述性的话。
3.应当有一定的句法描写和修辞，托福写作虽然很注重你的逻辑，但是它毕竟是语言考试，应当写一些更好的表达法，这样能给自己加不少分。

二，能看出你的文章是很有逻辑的，但是这种逻辑要表现出来。而且最好文章有个开头。即，我们可以这么写：
There are many qualities which are essential to supervisors; however, in my point of view, I strongly believe that the ability to communicate, passion and leadership are the most significant.这个作为开头，与中间段落和结尾像呼应。
同时，我一直坚持认为不要用 then, besides, apart from 这些词，就用first, second, last 最能表现出文章的层次。
那么我们第二段的开头就说
First, apparently, a good boss is supposed to know how to communicate with his or her employees
同理
第三段，
Second, a boss should be passionate.
.......
同理下去。
我认为开头的导语句能展示语言能力最好，要展示不出来就留在后面展示，关键还是要把话7a686964616fe59b9ee7ad94339说清楚。
最后，
Last but not least......
然后
In short...
最后一段可以适当增色一下，比如说，
In short, a good supervisor must have leadership, so that he can organize everything well.....之类的。

三，咱们来一句一句改一下。
第一句话很好，但是我比较倾向与用主动语态，相比被动语态更加强调和肯定。be supposed to do 很好啊。
第二句是一个很大的病句，记住，if 引导的是从句，从句后面要用逗号而不是句号。a company 是单数，所以要用meets。 during the work 最好改成during works 更通。a good supervisor 是单数，所以which 后面要用 has. situation 要改成 situations 因为后面是employees, employees 一般不可能只有一个situation. stimulate them work effeciently 的work 改成working。
即，
In my point of view,a good boss is supposed to know how to communicate with his or her employees . If a company meets some obstacles or some internal problems during works, a good supervisor,which has skills of communication ,will understand the situations of the employees by communication and give them some advises and stimulate them working more effeciently

第二段：
第一句话的the 最好删了，更通顺。must 改成 should.the boss have 的have 改成has.第二句话整句是病句。你的从句用的是when the boss.....所以后面的主句的主语最好是 he.....反正我中国式英语语法不是很好，但是我告诉你第二句就是看着别扭，不通。另外，少用it这种代词，多用直接的名词。evolve 用词不当，encourage, spur, stimulate 都可以。as for 用词不当。直接用for example就行。be addicted in 语法错误，应该是be addicted to 。听过james blount 的 goodbye my lover 吗。 里面是, I've been addicted to you.really 用词不当，最好改成诸如strongly, particularly, extraordinarily...... affect时态不对，用一般现在时。 he之前的逗号要改成句号。he 那句话的谓语encourage 要改成encourages. 另外，这句话整句啰嗦。改成，He always uses passionate speeches to encourage his fellows exploring and developing Internet technology.下一句话中用一般现在时。而且这个句子太平淡，不好。比方可以改成 As a result, Baidu, one of the most famous website in China, is in a highway to be stronger and stronger. 之类的. 另外，你最好吧百度老总编个名，反正老外也不知道。不要老用boss 一个词，可以用 entrepreneur, CEO......
整段：
Second, a boss should be passionate . Apparently, the passion of boss can undoubtably affect his employees, and thus enourage the employees to work with their heart and soul, XXX, CEO of Baidu, for example.He is addicted to Internet Technology, which extraordinarily affected his employees. He always uses passionate speeches to encourage his fellows exploring and developing Internet technology. As a result ,Baidu now developed very well. As a result, Baidu, one of the most famous website in China, is in a highway to be stronger and stronger.

第三段，第一句话逻辑有问题，应该成,leadership, the ability to make others follow,..... Let's imagine 之后最好来个冒号。employees前面的the 删了。commend 改成command. boss 改成bosses. carry the work out 改成carry the works out. I've heard a story 后改成冒号。下一句话逗号错误。而且用词不当,没有这么用own的。而且啰嗦，own那个删掉, 与boss 这个词啰嗦。So句soon 前要加连词and. But 最好改成However. Even thought 改成even though. the boss 改成he. 英文中叙述故事要时态一致，要么全用过去，要么全用现在，so，try 改成tried. commend改成command. them 改成 his employees.but 前加, the employees 改成 them. 这句话整个病句，改成：，but the employees did not take his words seriously because they thought the boss would not punish his friends.
英文中代词的使用是有规矩的，记住，先说名词，再说代词。

整段：Last but not least,leadership, the ability to make others follow, is also crucial for a good boss. Let’s imagine:if employees do not obey the commands of bosses,how could the employees carry the works out? I've heard a story: A young entrepreneur who thought a good boss should have a good relationship with his employees often chatted with his stuffs very casually ,and soon they became good friends. However,to his surprise ,he found his employees do not work hard and become lazy .Even though he tried to command his employees to work harder but they did not take his words seriously because they thought the boss would not punish his friends. From this story,we can see how significant the leadership is.

下一段删掉，
最后来个结尾。

四，问题分析
1.代词的使用，代词不能单独使用，必须在前面要有名词的支持。否则就是无指代。也不可以指代不明。
2.“逗号问题”， 一个句子不能有两个谓语，两个谓语间要用句号，连词，分号或冒号分开。同时，连词不能直接开一个句子，连词是连接两个句子的。这种情况下要用副词。
3.时态问题。1.时态要保持统一
2.注意主谓一致
4.句式问题，不要有啰嗦。啰嗦不是可有可无的问题，啰嗦是语法错误。
5.用词及搭配问题，搭配要准确。用词要合理。文章中很多用词不当。这最后一条是长期的语感问题，不是语法啦。

你可以去新东方报个SAT语法班的课。
我一直很鄙视SAT考语法，觉得一点意义也没有，但是现在才发现这是多么重要啊。

我本来想给你再写篇的，但我家阿姨叫我回家吃饭，我回家写好了给你贴上来。